Having Trouble Falling Asleep? Read This.

Long time, no post! Until yesterday, I had worked everyday since August 4. You know how most of the world goes on vacation in August? No one who works in education does. Next time you scamper into the drugstore to pick up some more sunscreen on your way to the beach, please offer sympathy to the pallid teacher stocking up on glitter pencils the Back-to-School aisle.

At one point, I had to go to Costco to get refreshments for all our welcome meetings and parties. I hate Costco. I always food shop at the farmer's market, Whole Foods, and a local Whole Foods-esque store. I have to say, as much as I hate Costco, it was intensely freeing to push a cart overflowing with chips and candy without feeling the judgmental eyes of other shoppers. I could have thrown a couple of cartons of Marlboros in the cart, and no one would've batted an eye.

We also moved! We moved into this cute little cottage. I LOVE it. The neighborhood uses our yard as a cut-through, so when the cats escaped this morning, they were chased by an eager poodle. It was pretty awesome to look out the window, see the cats smugly sniffing the air, and then see them frantically haul ass back inside as the dog rounded the corner into our yard. I've never seen a poodle look so vicious. That'll teach them to take advantage of a not-quite-secure screen door.

Are you bored yet? Me too. Not much has been happening, though. Sorry. You might want to just skip this whole post. I won't be offended.

Emma started second grade. She's so over us. She had been complaining that I was working too much, so I left work early to pick her up and hang out at the beach. She totally ditched me to go to a friend's house.

Abby is super jealous about Emma going to school. I tried to soften the blow by explaining that while Emma's at school, she can use all the toys without having to share with Emma - she can even play with Troy and Kellydog, who Emma's pretty tyrannical about. Abby's eyes got wide and she explained that Emma can always see her, and she's watching her while she's in school. Every breath you take, indeed.

I met a dog named Buddha. Am I the only one who's offended?

Talking about offended, how about Sara Palin? Did she win the VP spot by guessing the correct number of jellybeans in the jar at the Republican Christmas party? I am so offended that I'm supposed to like her just because we both have vaginas. Do they think women are really that stupid? Ugh.

Why does spell check flag vaginas? It's not like I wrote "va-jay-jay." In fact, spell check only thinks the "va" part of va-jay-jay is wrong. Let me tell you, it is ALL WRONG.

I promise not to write again until I've actually got something to say! Just so This hasn't been a complete waste of time for you, here's my favorite websites this week:

http://fundrace.huffingtonpost.com/ Want to know how much your town has donated to candidates? Which party Halliburton employees donate more money to? This is the site for you. I can waste so much time here.

http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ Just click. You won't be disappointed.

Look, Ma, Hands Free!

If you know my family at all, you know we are cheap. Not frugal, CHEAP. Our glasses are actually old jars. When the kids' clothes get worn out, we sew them into napkins and little bags. We use our library cards for books, movies, and music. We buy everything except food and personal hygiene stuff second hand.

California enacted its hands-free driving law on July 1. Neither of us bought a hands-free headset. I think Bluetooth makes you look like a cyberwanker. Besides, I really don't talk on the phone while I drive.

The other day, Leo called me while driving home from work in Sausalito. I reminded him that it was against the law to talk on the phone and drive. He cackled and said he was wearing his hands-free. I snottily asked when he got a hands-free.

(Are you starting to hate the way the words "hands-free" look? I sure am. Bear with me - the punchline is the next part!)

He started laughing hysterically while he explained that his hands-free was an elastic band. He secured his phone to his head with an elastic. Ha!

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Abby was looking at the book, The Little Goat, last night. It used to be mine, and is one of those 70's era Little Golden books that feature photos of wholesome kids and animals romping together and generally being BFFs. One of the pages feature the little goat getting a pail stuck on her head. Abby started laughing, and squealed, "Oh, look! The goatie! Has a! Pail on her head! How heee-stare-i-cal!!!!"

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We were doing a puzzle last night. Leo spaced out for a minute, and Abby grabbed one of his pieces and fit it into the puzzle. She said, "Hey dad, you lose it when you snooze it!"

The Sweet Smell Of Sulfates

We only buy good-for-the-planet cleaners. Philosophically, I know this is good, and I certainly feel smug when I sprinkle in the Seventh Generation dish detergent.

Here's my confession of the day:

I don't really think they work all that great. In fact, I think they suck. It kind of grosses me out. When I'm scrubbing the toilet with some wheatgrass, honey & love concoction, I ache to aerosol-spray the shit out of the bowl with some Scrubbing Bubbles. I treasure the light-headed feeling I get from inhaling too much bleach. I really miss that dioxin goodness so much. What do you think? Does baking soda and eucalyptus oil really get things clean, or are we just kidding ourselves?