Thursday, May 29, 2008


I love low bidding on really ridiculous items - they're totally worth $5 for the laugh, but no more than that. This week, I am the proud winner of the "bizarre chicken/bird sugar shaker". $2, friends! Just as cheap as a John Cusack newspaper subscription! Pictures to come when the chicken arrives.

Sadly, I didn't win the Lucite owl napkin holder. I was planning on using it as a file folder holder. Oh well.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Recapturing Youth

I think I am going to start wearing eyeliner all the time.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


I am completely obsessed.

O Holy Crap

View the slideshow. Please.

Air Popper

Remember how we got that popcorn popper from the yard sale? I remember why we didn't have one - air popped popcorn sucks. The only way to salvage it is to drench it in butter, which defeats the purpose, no? Nothing beats popcorn made on the stove.

So, I'm trying to repurpose the popper. Do you think I can puff rice in it? Toast spices? Dry socks? What do you think it would be good for?

The Absurd Has It

If you know me at all, you know that I love the absurd, which is why I love glam metal, Rob & Big, cat shows, beauty pageants, and Heavy Metal Parking Lot.

So, friends, let me introduce you to Groomer Has It, a new show on Animal Planet. Wow. I don't think there is one non-quirky person on this show. You've probably never seen it, because it's on the loser hour on TV - 9pm on Saturdays. Oh well. It has it all - weirdness, snarky rivalry, people caring way too much about something that most people never think about: animal grooming.

Groomer Has It is a competition pitting animal groomers against each other to win $50,000 and a mobile dog grooming trailer. The judges are intense. The contestants are soooooo fascinating.

Watch full episodes here:

Until the teasers for next week, I thought last night's episode was going to be the best. The groomers had to style a dog of their choice from the Long Beach dog park and then stage a fashion shoot for the premiere grooming trade magazine, Groomer to Groomer. I shit you not.

Next week? The judges won't be judging them: their clients, with translation provided by pet psychic renowned Sonya Fitzpatrick, will!

I cannot wait! If you want to come over and watch, let me know!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Bad Dreams

Me: Did you have sweet dreams?

Abby: No. I had a nightmares.

Me: Oh. What did you dream about?

Abby: I didn't dream. I had a nightmare.

Me: Oh. What was it about?

Abby: PIRATES!!!!!!!!!! (laughs crazily, then runs away)

Later, while playing by herself....

Abby: (under breath) Those were horrible pirates!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Knocked Off the Throne

I have never won a game of Solitaire on my office computer. When I finally do, I think my screams will be heard in San Diego.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Love the Girl Who Holds the World In a Paper Cup

Leo's at work and all I want to do is sit here and listen obsessively to Me First and the Gimme Gimme's version of Danny's Song, but the kids will not go to sleep.

I do love a good cover. I am a big dork.

Goddamn, I love 70s soft rock.

Swipe You A Drank

All the places they sing about (Blake's, GBC, Ramona's, etc) are places they can use their meal plans. This is exactly why I love college students.

Hate the Wait

I was super psyched to order my discounted composter from Instead of lugging my stuff to green bins, I can compost it myself and use the dirt in my plants. Hooray!

Except for the 4-6 week delivery time. What the hell? What delivery service takes 4-6 weeks to get from Oakland to Berkeley?! Even if they're being super green and walking the composter over, no way does it take 4-6 weeks.

Bah humbug.

I'm also just a teensy bit irritated that Emma has today off from school for Malcolm X's birthday but I don't, even though I work for an institution known for its activism. I could be relaxing by the pool and reading By Any Means Necessary, but no, I'll just get to work on my monthly report!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I Would Have Liked Crazy Train

1. I've been doing a little more research into KOA. From what I've seen, the main organization doesn't have a connection to any church or the KKK, but they do have a Value Kard. Argh.

2. I really want a pair of hot pink sneakers. Someone stop me.

3. Why does everything taste better through a straw?

4. I really like the way pigeons move their heads when they walk. I don't get why people hate pigeons. They're pretty rad.

5. I think you can judge a lot about a generation by their drugs of choice.

6. I once saw a fabric store called "Sewer's Dream". I wonder if the owners never realized their gaffe, or if they noticed it after the sign was made, and decided to just go for it anyway. Ha.

7. Did you know that there's a large Port a Potty storage/rental on the Bellingham waterfront? Who looked at that beach, with the sparkly water and redwoods extending right down to the beach, and said "Let's put rows and rows of Port a Potties here?" Asshole.

8. I've never been able to sing. What I lack in pitch and tone, I make up for in volume. In third grade, I was asked to just mouth the words when we performed for our parents.

9. In seventh grade, my chorus teacher was this big dude who wore the typical bad teacher ensemble - loud polyester pants, short sleeve button down shirts, big glasses, and a combover. He also always had a line of spit between his upper and lower lip, no matter how forcefully he sang. He made us learn antiwar songs, like One Tin Soldier and Blowin' In The Wind. Maybe he had longed to be a hippy, but felt trapped in a small New England town? I don't know. I do know just how uncool a bunch of mumbly, embarrassed seventh graders can make Bob Dylan sound. He also tried to reach us with Fly Like An Eagle by Steve Miller. Now there was an embarrassing song to sing, with all the tick-tock-ticks and the do-do-doo-dos. I think he was trying to reach us with contemporary music, but failed to notice that Steve Miller was no longer contemporary. Sure, maybe a few years later, when we raised the first bong to our lips, we would have been happy to hear The Joker, or Led Zep's Ramble On, or some Bob Marley. But not in seventh grade! I would have loved to see him make us perform Talk Dirty to Me or Welcome to the Jungle. Ha!

10. Note to parents everywhere: if your high schooler is listening to classic rock, you can be almost guaranteed that drugs are involved.

11. Years later, when I was a sophomore in college, I returned to my middle school to see my cousin graduate. Yep, I went to a school system the "graduated" you from almost everything. As the lights went down in the auditorium and the curtains parted, I heard the familiar tick-tock-ticks. There were the eighth graders, tick-tock-ticking and do-do-doo-doing behind this dude who never talked when he was a student in my grade. He sang his heart out, all 70's rock star style. This dude was my age. Had he been doing this for years? How do you ask a dude in his 20s to sing at an eighth grade graduation? How do you agree to sing at an eighth grade graduation at the school where you were a total outcast? If you never spoke while you were a student, how was your vocal styling noticed enough to have you hired? It was supremely weird, friends.

12. If you've never heard the song, enjoy:

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Bluetooth Makes You Look Like An Asshole

We went to the REI members-only used goods sale. The deal is, if you're a coop member, you can buy all the stull that was returned to the store in less than perfect condition. They put tags on everything so you know why it was returned. Lots of stuff makes sense - the pants that didn't fit well, the shoes that were slightly too small. Lots of stuff makes perfect sense - the first owner was an asshole.

Pants marked "returned because they looked used and dirty." Because you used them and made them dirty, fool.

Kid's shoes that were marked "child refused to wear them." There's a wad of gum on the bottom that begs to differ, pal.

A pair of sneakers with totally worn soles marked "hole in sole on first wearing." Did you walk across the country on that first wearing, friend?

Who are these people? What gives you the courage to stand before someone and claim that you wore an obviously trashed pair of shoes only once? I don't get it.

Also? Next month I'll need to get a headset to be able to talk on the phone in the car. I hate Bluetooth. I'm going to look for a headset that makes me look like a Time Life operator.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Going to Hell

I was looking for camping spots for this summer yesterday. I was looking at the Lake Tahoe KOA. I've always disliked KOAs because they utilize one of my biggest pet peeves - cutesy misspelling/using the wrong letter on purpose. Did you realize the K stands for Kampground? Grrr....

But whatever. Are all KOAs religiously affiliated, or just this one? Is the K actually for Krist? Because this website was crazy. There's a counter that shows just how many people are dying as you peruse the site. Makes you want to whip out the s'mores and sing Kumbayaa, huh?

Best of all, there's a simple quiz you can take to see whether or not you're going to hell. I'm always interested in my afterlife options, so I took the test. I am going straight to the fiery pits of Hell. Yippee - I won't have to worry about the campfire burning out. Do you think there's mosquitos in Hell?

One of the arguments to stop wasting time and start getting on salvation was,

Would you sell one of your eyes for a million dollars? How about both eyes for ten million? No one in their right mind would! Your eyes are precious to you... but they are only a "window" for your soul. Your soul (your inner being, your life, your personality) looks out through those eyes. Consider how precious your eyes are... then realize that Jesus said that Hell is so horrible that you would be better off tearing out your own eyes than ending up there for all eternity (Mark 9:43-48).

Perhaps you feel safe because you don't believe in Hell. This can be likened to standing in the middle of a busy highway and shouting, "I don't believe in trucks!" Your belief or disbelief in trucks will not change reality. The same applies in this situation. Your disbelief in Hell will not cause it to cease to exist. God has given us HIS WORD on the existence and purpose of Hell... LOOK HERE to see what God says in the Bible about Hell.

Um, where do I have to go to get a million dollars for one of my eyes? Did I miss the sale? Perhaps I'm not in my hellbound right mind, but that seems like a pretty good deal to me, especially if I get to wear a jaunty patch!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Self Help Sucks

Don't call something a "journey" unless you actually go somewhere.

I really hate self help. You know what? You're fine, just how you are. Your life is never going to be perfect. Life often really bites, or is boring, or frustrating, or stressful. But it's also beautiful in its messiness. Stop worrying so much about your self, and start enjoying yourself. Put down The Secret, and go lay in the sun. You'll feel better. I promise.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sweetheart of the Yard Sale

I love yard sales. This morning, we made big cups of tea and little snack containers full of frozen veggies for the kids (why do my kids love to eat frozen vegetables so much? I dunno), and headed out to hit the best of Berkeley. We scored!

For $22, we got

  • a Sigg waterbottle
  • a popcorn popper
  • a Moka pot
  • one of the newer Moosewood cookbooks
  • a set of six mugs that are all different bright colors (like a disco version of fiestaware)
  • a baseball card size picture of a kid playing banjo for my dad
  • a light for a bike
  • a headlamp for camping
  • a cute sugar bowl with bulbs and seeds painted on it
  • a mug that has two little birds on a branch painted on it
  • a Chinese vase that had cherry blossoms, a river, and houses painted on it
  • a cup of mango sun tea
  • a hula girl
  • a toy car
  • a headband that makes the wearer look like a daffodil (no accounting for the taste of a 3 year old)
  • a backpacking backpack that's sold online for $350
  • oven mitts with penguins on them. penguins that I thought were super cute, but upon closer inspection, were doing unmentionable things. Birdy-style.
If you ever want to go yard sale-ing, please please call me first! Yay!

Friday, May 9, 2008


1. Best joke ever, courtesy of an avant garde classmate of Emma's.
Q. What did the broccoli say to the apple?
A. Dolphin

I love the simplicity, the multiple meanings, the shadings of amusement. It's like 40 year port for humor.

2. Do you know about the Duggars? They're those God fearing people who shunned birth control and have a herd of kids that they homeschool and name J-names? The Duggars are expecting their 18th child. Holy crap on a cracker. Can you believe that shit? 18 pet fish would piss me off. Imagine the laundry. Think about the laundry!!!!

3. It's almost cherry season! I can't wait!

4. Got a haircut and dye job today. My hair is almost blonde. It's pretty sassy.

5. Abby gave me the highest compliment today. While Leo is a "bad dog," I am a "special unicorn." Yes!

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Oooh, I almost forgot! Yesterday, Emma (who is going to skip over 8-12 and just turn 13 in October) said her lunch was "hella good". When I asked her to repeat herself, she blushed furiously and said that lunch was so, so good.

What was this scrumptious lunch, you ask? Sauteed spinach and tofu with sesame and garlic. Sucker!

Perfect Government

Remember when you were 16 or 17? When you could drive on your own, but driving was still new enough that it was an activity, not a tool? When being in a car, with no destination, was enough?

Some of my favorite memories are of driving around with a girlfriend, late at night, windows down in the summer, singing at the top of our lungs, over and over, to the angry song of the month.

This is how you know you're no longer cool: replace that girlfriend with two kids strapped down in the back seat. Replace the middle of the night with after school. Replace "no destination" with grocery store, or dentist, or park.

Oh well, at least the song's still cool.

Perfect Government - NOFX

Even if it's easy to be free
What's your definition of freedom?
And who the fuck are you, anyway?
Who the fuck are they?
Who the fuck am I to say?
What the fuck is really going on?

How did the cat get so fat?
Why does the family die?
Do you care why?

Cause there hasn't been a sign
Of anything gettin' better in the ghetto
People's fed up
But when they get up

You point your fuckin' finger
You racist, you bigot
But that's not the problem
Now is it?

It's all about the money
Political power is taken
Protecting the rich, denying the poor
Yeah, they love to watch the war from the White House
And I wonder...

How can they sleep at night?
How can they sleep at night?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?

Yes, I realize the lyrics win me the Neglectful Mother of the Year Award. Give a mom a break, will ya? Besides, we all just mumble through the "fucks". That's my excuse, and not the point.
Back to the kids-are-so-cute punchline.

On the weekends, I make the kids snuggle with me before we get up. It buys me a bit of time to stare at the wall rather than having to leap up to make breakfast. This morning, Acorn was sitting in the window by my bed.

Abby turned toward him, and quietly started singing to him:

"Hey Acorn! How did you get so fat? How did the cat get so fat?"

From all the extra treats I give him to make up for the way you manhandle him, kid.