Don't Take This Personally, But...

My mother in law left today. She was here for 5 long days. I can't tell you how many sentences she started with "Don't take this personally, but...". I can tell you how much this phrase makes me grind my teeth. How the hell else am I supposed to take whatever crazy judgement you're about to make?

Some highlights from the trip:

1. She is 66 years old. She lives in an apartment building in Connecticut. One of her much younger, married neighbors is in a band. She went to one of his "gigs" (Yes, she used that word. Several times.) over the summer. She brought a bunch of her thongs, and threw them onstage.

2. We were watching Dennis Miller's new game show "Amnesia" (which is pretty dumb, by the way).


She kept mentioning how attractive the contestant was. She culminated her gush by asking me to buy him for Christmas for her.

3. She hates cilantro. She asked to eat Mexican and Chinese food. Try to find a Chinese or Mexican restaurant in California that doesn't use cilantro. We went to this great Mexican restaurant, and she ordered a plain quesadilla.

4. She was grossed out by how "ugly" Berkeley is. She lives in this nasty, flavorless apartment building overlooking a swamp. But, yes, Berkeley, with its views of the Golden Gate Bridge, the canyons, and multitude of flowers is U-G-L-Y.

5. She told Leo that the area between her vagina and rectum is especially small, so she is extra concerned about hygiene.

6. Right before we were leaving to go to San Francisco, she needed to go to the bathroom. When she got into the car, she apologized sarcastically, saying "That was a load I couldn't carry all day."

7. She read a bunch of "dumb blonde" jokes to me. Hello, have you not known me for over 10 years? I've always thought misogyny was hil-a-ri-ous.

8. When she was in Palm Springs, she bought this little ceramic bowl with a small, nightlight sized lightbulb in it. You know, this kind that barely gets warm. She placed large crystals of sea salt in them, to help cure her allergies. Newsflash: being in a room with slightly warmed salt will cure your allergies.

9. She is allergic to our cats, so we kept her bedroom door closed. One night, Leo didn't shut the door the whole way, and the cats got in for about 10 minutes. She got really pissed at Leo, and said "Gee, I can see just how concerned you are about me!!!"

I am so, so happy that I have my life back.